Thursday, July 20, 2006

Rear-Ended Relationship?

My boyfriend and I had a great sex life, but he had always wanted to try anal sex. Since it was important to him, I thought I should give it a try. It did nothing for me, but he loved it. Now it’s all he wants to do! We’ve only had regular intercourse twice in three months, and I miss it. Is there something wrong with him for only wanting that? Is it dangerous? How can I get our sex life back to the way it was before?

There is nothing “wrong” with your boyfriend’s enjoyment of anal sex, but it does carry some physiological risks: The anus is not all that elastic, and it tears easily, leaving it vulnerable to infection. The vagina, however, is more supple and naturally guarded by the presence of friendly bacteria, so it’s a safer opening for penetration. With gentleness and a lubricant such as K-Y Jelly, anal sex can be included in a couple’s sex life every so often if they both enjoy it. Notice I said both. It doesn’t sound like its your thing. When you talk to your boyfriend –and you will have to–he will probably say that he likes the tightness of anal sex. But the vagina is, in fact, a perfect fit for the average penis, so unless he is very, very small, he should find vaginal intercourse satisfying. Chances are, what he truly likes is the element of domination and subjugation that anal sex represents. If I were you, I’d think about how I feel about this balance of power–some couples enjoy this dynamic. If you’re comfortable with it, tell him you do not mind anal sex once in a while, but you do not find it altogether satisfying. You can get your sex life back on track, but only with his willingness to compromise. If he’s not willing to do that, then you need to find someone who puts your physical and emotional well-being first.

Annoying Alcoholic

My friend stopped drinking recently and joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m glad–she drank too much and did some stupid things like behave promiscuously–but now she’s impossible. All she wants to talk about is who’s an alcoholic. It makes me self-conscious around her, like if I have a beer, she’ll say I’m one too. How can I approach her about this?

Well-intentioned friends and relatives of alcoholics sometimes harbor a secret wish for their loved one to continue being me out-of-control person she used to be. Could you possibly be irked because she no longer comes to you with her problems or provides drama in your life with her drunken escapades? If so, then talk to her about how you’re feeling and see if there are healthier ways you can keep me closeness you have. But if you are truly annoyed by her obsession with alcoholism, remember that it is still early in her sobriety. When she is more secure that she can stay off me sauce, she will relax, but for the moment, every drink she sees–even in me hands of someone else–is a threat to her and her newfound mental health. Be patient with her. The time will come when she is stronger, and you will be able to tell her that although she suffers from a serious condition, not everyone is similarly afflicted, and she needs to ease up on others–even as she remains vigilant about her own habits.

Fixated on Phone Sex

My husband is addicted to calling Phone Sex lines. He said he wouldn’t do it again, but our phone bill was really high, so I ordered an itemized bill and found he’s bean calling these sleazy numbers several times a day! I don’t trust him and don’t sac how I can stay d to him. What can I do?

This is a two pronged problem: your husband’s apparent addiction to phone-sex lines and the dynamic of distrust in your marriage. The two are reinforcing each other, so you need to address them both. First, approach your husband about his clandestine calling in a nonaccusatory way. Tell him you’re worried that he’s resorting to me fantasy world of phone sex to achieve satisfaction because he’s not happy with you, instead of putting all he can into your relationship and sex life. Explain why you feel hurt when he makes these calls, and ask him if he’ll speak to a therapist about the problem mat is jeopardizing your marriage. A counselor can help you two get to the root of it–perhaps your husband is afraid of the intimacy a real woman demands and prefers a disembodied voice on the phone. Maybe he feels something is lacking between you two, and knowing that would allow you both to correct it. Then you can work together to reestablish trust, for if he thinks you don’t trust him anyway, he may sneak around and call the phone-sex lines–as long as he’s not going to be trusted, the reasoning goes, he may as well have the fun he’s being blamed for. This is a solvable problem, though, as long as you do your best to approach it with openness and without condemnation for his addiction.

Dad’s Disaster Date

I’m 23, and my parents divorced when I was a teenager. Now, I just found out my dad is dating one of my friends from high school. We’re not that tight anymore, but I am angry that she’s dating my dad alter knowing how the breakup tore me up et the time. I know I don’t have a right to tell them not to see each other, but don’t I have any rights at all?

Your father and your friend are both over the age of consent, so it’s their right to date each other. You, however, have the right to feel weird about their dating. And I guess you have the right to tell them you feel weird, although I wouldn’t expect them to stop seeing each other on the basis of your feelings about their relationship. First, decide for yourself if you will feel comfortable spending any time with them as a couple or if you’d prefer to be out of the loop when it comes to their affair. Then ask them to be respectful of your feelings on the subject. Hopefully, they’ll respect where you’re coming from, and you’ll all get used to the new arrangement. If not, take heart: If their relationship ends (which it most likely will, because in general most do end and they have a vast age difference to negotiate), you will have the right to say “I told you so!”

Pornographic Playtime

I am married and the mother of an adorable 6-year-old girl. One day, I found her pretending that her dolls were having sex. I know kids do that, but she was saying very sexually explicit things in the dolls’ voices, some of which I can’t even repeat. I asked her where she heard those words, and she said “on TV.” Is it possible that she’s being abused?

Bring out the dolls again, sit beside her when she plays with them, and ask her questions in a gentle way. She may have more to tell you than she wanted to earlier when she sensed your horror and concern and was scared. If you have access to one of the adult TV channels or if you have been careless with adult videos, it is possible a clever little girl could have sneaked a look or perhaps a precocious little friend taught her the things she said. Is your relationship with your husband trusting enough that you can talk to him about what you discover? I hope so. Because if you cannot get to the source of her grown-up knowledge on your own, I would recommend that you and your husband go with your little girl to a child psychologist, who can gently help answer a question that must not go unanswered.

Lonely After Loss

Ever since my best friend was killed in a car accident a year ago, I haven’t been able to make new friends. I’m lonely, but every time someone tries to get close to me, I shy away. I can’t go through the pain of losing someone again. How can finally get back to normal?
A year is not a very long time to accept the loss of a very close friend. Naturally, you are still afraid of suffering that kind of pain again. Also, I suspect that you feel, as many mourners do, that to make new friends would be to betray the memory of the one you’ve lost. But please, try to imagine what she would want for you now. She would want you to lead a full, happy life. Relax and let time help you grieve for your loss. In your heart, there will always be a memorial to your friend who loved you as you loved her; you will always miss her. But someday soon, you will be able to celebrate her life, live your own life, and not think only of her death.

Source: Cosmopolitan


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