Thursday, July 26, 2007

Last in Line

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

“I want to be gorgeous,“ she says, and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, “I want to be gorgeous too.”

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish
will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."



Ten Things to do to stop global warming

Want to do something to help stop global warming? Here are 10 simple things you can do and how much carbon dioxide you'll save doing them.

Change a light

Replacing one regular light bulb with a compact fluorescent light bulb will save 150 pounds of carbon dioxide a year.

Drive less

Walk, bike, carpool or take mass transit more often. You'll save one pound of carbon dioxide for every mile you don't drive!

Recycle more

You can save 2.400 pounds of carbon dioxide per year by recycling just half of your household waste.

Check your tires

Keeping your tires inflated properly can improve gas mileage by more than 3%. Every gallon of gasoline saved keeps 20 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere!

Use less hot water

It takes a lot of energy to heat water. Use less hot water by installing a low flow showerhead (350 pounds of CO2 saved per year) and washing your clothes in cold or warm water (500 pounds saved per year).

Avoid products with a lot of packaging

You can save 1,200 pounds of carbon dioxide if you cut down your garbage by 10%.

Adjust your thermostat

Moving your thermostat just 2 degrees in winter and up 2 degrees in summer you could save about 2,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year with this simple adjustment.

Plant a tree

A single tree will absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime.

Turn off electronic devices

Simply turning off your television, DVD player, stereo, and computer when you're not using them will save you thousands of pounds of carbon dioxide a year.

Spread the word!


Friday, June 8, 2007

Vampire Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"


1. We are always late we would have missed the flight.

2. Pretty girls on the plane would distract us!

3. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

4. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.

5. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

6. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

7. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

8. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before doing it.

9. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken by one of the hostages.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Mother-in-law Joke

A marrried couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor alse honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion of her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling, she replied, "I get all the thanks every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mexican abuelita:

lawyers should never ask a mexican grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

During a trial in a small town in south texas, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly mexican abuelita to the stand. He approached her and asked, "senora sanchez, do you know me?"

she responded, "si, i know you mr. Williams. I know you since you were a mocoso chorriado, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me, to your family and to your community. You lie, you cheat on you wife, and you manipulate people, and you think you're a big shot when you are nada, pura basura. Yes, i know you baboso."

the lawyer was stunned, not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, mrs. Sanchez, "do you know the defense attorney ?"

again she replied, "claro que si. I've known mr. Rodriguez since he was a mocoso travieso too. He's a lazy puto, and he has a drinking problem. He can't keep a normal relationship with nobody, and he is the most pendejo lawyer in the state. And not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different putas. One of them was your wife! You remember? I know mr. Rodriguez; his mama is not proud of him tambien."

the defense attorney almost died.

The judge then asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "if either of you cabrones asks her if she knows me, i'll send you both to the electric chair."

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Celestial Tourist

Some people head to the islands for vacation. Others hop the pond to Europe. But billionaire and self-proclaimed nerd Charles Simonyi headed in a very different direction for vacation — into space. Simonyi reportedly paid $25 million for his trip to the International Space Station aboard a Russian Soyuz spacecraft. Simonyi, who was expected to head home on April 20, is the fifth space tourist to visit the space station. During his 10 days aboard, Simonyi planned to assist with experiments and use his ham-radio skills to communicate with U.S. high school students.